Panic attacks and the unseen

via Daily Prompt: Unseen

In 2011, my husband of seven years just leaves and moves in with his girlfriend. I couldn’t walk out my front door without hyperventilating. I thought my asthma was flaring up. I dealt with it until I drove 30 miles from my apartment to my mother’s and felt like I was having a heart attack. I rush to the ER and they did blood work. I hate needles, I cringe at the thought of typical bloodwork. I hope to never have an ABG test  again. Having blood drawn from your artery instead of your veins is painful. The Doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and panic attacks. The nurse would not let me leave without a heart to heart. I will never forget this nurse. She opened my hand and placed an angel in my hand. she told me that she had been through it and everything would be okay.

My meds helped for the anxiety but I was still deep in depression. After a week of lying in my bed, I took the entire bottle of pills. I spent 72 hours on suicide watch after having drinking that nasty charcoal drink. They checked me out refusing to give me anything for depression or anxiety. The $7,000 hospital bill helped my will to live so damn much.


I ended up back at my mom’s, no job, no money, a husband that just couldn’t stop hounding me about getting the divorce papers signed. It was 3 months later, we finally got the divorce papers signed. Three months after that that he left me alone. I left out apartment in July weighing 180 pounds by November I was down to 130. Not because I tried but because even the thought of food made me ill.


In January of 2012, I pulled my head out of my ass. I got a job and quick feeling sorry for myself or anyone else for that matter. Life was not perfect after that but I was mentally okay. July 2015, in the middle of moving in with my now husband… I was just sitting watching TV and started feeling like I had OD’d on coffee. By later in the evening, I could not stand to be around anyone. A simple hello set me off. It was probably 2 months of this episode on and off. I’m assuming the stress of the move, working, and combining two families was the trigger.


January of 2016, chaos began in this house. We had a rebelious teen, people that can’t mind their own business, starting a company, money issues, custody issues, you name it 2016 threw it at us. I handled well until May when my son’s father started his insane case. even then I had forced myself to stay sane. In October, my husbands ex started her case. I’ve found that forcing myself to stay sane was the worst thing I could do. I wasn’t talking. I wasn’t venting. I was avoiding even thinking about what is going on. I was holding it all in and becoming angry.

Over the last few months, I have been trying to sort things out. I’ve been trying to adjust and finding less toxic releases. Trying to better myself. It’s not an easy process. You get pissed off when you fail.  As you can tell if you read through my blog I have failed several times.

My husband has been great since I opened up to him. He knew I had anxiety issues. He knew some of my triggers but was unaware of some. I gave him a run down of what I needed from him. He at first didn’t get it, he didn’t understand how overwhelmed I was.



The above picture fits in every aspect in life, not just fitness. I have been working on this, its not in total use but I’m working on it. I think it’s important. I have acknowledged that there are MANY aspects of my life that are unhealthy and need changed. My most important goal is getting my anxiety under control and getting mentally right. Let me clarify… I’m not “mental” in the aspect of dangerous to myself or anyone else. I’m just not mentally at my best. My mental state has me borderline depressed, my motivation is lacking. I’m fed up with randomly feeling as if I’m having a heart attack because I hear a certain word, I see a color, or the wind blows the wrong direction.

Taking one day at a time is a HUGE step in our family’s current situation. My husband and I have been working on this together as a team since we are both dealing with exes. We sat down and made a plan of what we hope happens and what we do if it doesn’t work out and left it at that, the rest is in the court’s hands.

Surrounding yourself with positive vibes is not as easy as one thinks. It can be hard to not dwell when things seem impossible. My husband and I set a rule, we can talk about our negative feeling with our cases at anytime and it needs to happen ASAP; anything else politics, anything that doesn’t have a direct impact on us we avoid.

The vision board and SMART goals we will be doing as a family this weekend. I think that it is important that we work on this together and with my anxiety I will not feel as alone in the progress.

Rewarding myself is different from most people. Some take it as a shopping trip or eating a piece of cake. Date night is my reward. Date night again…. not the same as most. Our date night is one night a month kid free, in our home, just chilling. We watch TV, enjoy the quiet, I get a hot bath, hubby makes dinner, concentrate on ourselves.

I do believe in myself. I have shitty days but in the end I know only my reaction matters. I can sulk and hate life or change it my damn self. I’m stronger than what everyone sees. I’m bettter than everything that people think they know.

I see 2017 being a great year. It may not be starting out that way, but we will all come out better and stronger. I will stop digging at myself.


Shower meditation to me is very important! On days that I do not have five seconds to myself except for my shower this is my twenty minutes of sanity. My husband has noticed that I will just out of the blue get up and shower and he has made a habit of asking if I wanted to talk about anything.

If you have anxiety, there is nothing to be ashamed of…….TALK. Don’t hold it in. Let others know what your body is doing. Let them know your triggers and that you may not know all of them. You may not even know why you are anxious, its okay.

Do you have anxiety? What are your triggers? How do you cope?


What can you do with those Tart fruits?

via Daily Prompt: Tart

If you are a follower you know I LOVE pinterest! I love finding new ideas and ways to save money. Today, I give you frugal ideas with Oranges, Lemons, and limes.

Let’s start with a couple oh so yummy recipes

3 ingredient Orange chicken sauce – You need BBQ sauce, orange marmalade, and soy sauce…


Lemon Parm Pork Chops – You need Pork Chop, Parmesan cheese, panko bread crumbs , lemon, olive oil, and eggs.

2 large eggs
1 cup panko bread crumbs
3/4 cups grated Parmesan cheese
zest of 1 lemon
4-6 boneless thin cut pork loin chops
salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 tbs olive oil
lemon wedges for serving (optional)

Whisk the eggs to blend. Place bread crumbs in another dish.  Place the cheese and lemon zest in a third dish.  Sprinkle the pork chops generously with salt and pepper. Coat the chops completely with cheese and lemon mixture, patting to adhere. Dip the chops into the eggs, then coat completely with the panko bread crumbs, patting to adhere.

Heat up 3-6 tablespoons of olive oil in a large over medium heat. Add pork chops and cook about 6 minutes on each side, or until nice and golden brown and the temperature reaches 150 degrees in the center of the meat.

Fruits are for more than cooking.

Skin care –

Raspberry lemonade lip scrub

Orange vanilla bath salts

Face Masks as seen below


Lemon, lime, and coconut Stress relief sugar scrub

breakout targeting mask

lemon scrub

Honey pore cleanser

Foot scrub

clear skin as seen below



Home remedies –

Fruit infused water

add to your bath

Eliminate mucus


Cleaning and more

Gift ideas for the lemon lover







Is it worth the argument?

via Daily Prompt: Argument

Anyone that says family life is smooth sailing all the time… is lying. I love my husband. I love my kids including my step-kids. To be blunt… they can get on my damn nerves.

The kids and my husband at times, think I’m their maid. Blending families has not been easy. By seven my kids knew the basics to keep me from snapping. Somehow my nine year old step-daughter has not been taught how to locate a trash can, how to scrape a plate, how to make her bed, how to put clothes into a hamper… ya know things that a child should know. When I call her to the neglected issue, she literally looks at me not knowing what the problem is. DRIVES ME NUTS!

Sometimes my husband thinks I’m too hard on her and ask too much. To me as draining as it can be, it is worth the argument! I love this child as she were my own, I hope that later in life she understands I only want her to grow up not expecting everyone to take care of her.

I am a firm believer that each generation is becoming too dependent. Kids have no life skills.. mommy and daddy should support them. There’s a few things I’ve let her slide on but only because shes sharing a room with her sister at the moment.


Grades are also an issue. A BIG issues. We only have her Thursday-Sunday so most of her studies we can’t control. Her Accelerated reader points are rarely acceptable. Fighting with her mother about it.. not really worth it. At nine years old she needs to be held accountable for not doing her homework and not taking her reading seriously. We have no control over what books she brings home but punishments are being handed out. She has had a habit of bringing joke books or grade 1 level books home. If a book is brought home under third grade level she is losing a privilage for the weekend.

I had to explain to all of my children how important reading is. It’s not just homework, its a way of escaping, time traveling if you will.

Unfortunatly, three of my six have been compromised by others. Their father, grandparents, others in life gave them the easy way out and they took it. No chores, having everything handed to them. My husband is afraid that his daughter will fare the same way. I don’t know. She fought a lot at first but she actually has tons of pride when she gets called out for not having to be told.


I find the following Picture to be so true in keeping stress out of our marriage.

There are plenty of things that neither one of us can change about our past or about who we are. Changing the person you are with to me seems completely ignorant. I fell in love with my husband because of who he is, if I have to change anything we were never in love.

In a relationship you must be able to maintain a sense of humor. Life gets crazy. Go with the flow.

There are many times that I feel argumentative and really for no reason. I really do have to take myself to the bedroom and look in our full length mirror. “What is wrong? Am I upset with something they did? someone else? or am I disappointed in myself?”

Making decisions is a must! I quit asking “What sounds good for dinner?” I quit asking “Do you care if I buy ….?” I get the same answer and it gets annoying for the both of us. He doesn’t care what I make. He knows I’m not a huge on spending.