via Daily Prompt: Unseen
In 2011, my husband of seven years just leaves and moves in with his girlfriend. I couldn’t walk out my front door without hyperventilating. I thought my asthma was flaring up. I dealt with it until I drove 30 miles from my apartment to my mother’s and felt like I was having a heart attack. I rush to the ER and they did blood work. I hate needles, I cringe at the thought of typical bloodwork. I hope to never have an ABG test again. Having blood drawn from your artery instead of your veins is painful. The Doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and panic attacks. The nurse would not let me leave without a heart to heart. I will never forget this nurse. She opened my hand and placed an angel in my hand. she told me that she had been through it and everything would be okay.
My meds helped for the anxiety but I was still deep in depression. After a week of lying in my bed, I took the entire bottle of pills. I spent 72 hours on suicide watch after having drinking that nasty charcoal drink. They checked me out refusing to give me anything for depression or anxiety. The $7,000 hospital bill helped my will to live so damn much.
I ended up back at my mom’s, no job, no money, a husband that just couldn’t stop hounding me about getting the divorce papers signed. It was 3 months later, we finally got the divorce papers signed. Three months after that that he left me alone. I left out apartment in July weighing 180 pounds by November I was down to 130. Not because I tried but because even the thought of food made me ill.
In January of 2012, I pulled my head out of my ass. I got a job and quick feeling sorry for myself or anyone else for that matter. Life was not perfect after that but I was mentally okay. July 2015, in the middle of moving in with my now husband… I was just sitting watching TV and started feeling like I had OD’d on coffee. By later in the evening, I could not stand to be around anyone. A simple hello set me off. It was probably 2 months of this episode on and off. I’m assuming the stress of the move, working, and combining two families was the trigger.
January of 2016, chaos began in this house. We had a rebelious teen, people that can’t mind their own business, starting a company, money issues, custody issues, you name it 2016 threw it at us. I handled well until May when my son’s father started his insane case. even then I had forced myself to stay sane. In October, my husbands ex started her case. I’ve found that forcing myself to stay sane was the worst thing I could do. I wasn’t talking. I wasn’t venting. I was avoiding even thinking about what is going on. I was holding it all in and becoming angry.
Over the last few months, I have been trying to sort things out. I’ve been trying to adjust and finding less toxic releases. Trying to better myself. It’s not an easy process. You get pissed off when you fail. As you can tell if you read through my blog I have failed several times.
My husband has been great since I opened up to him. He knew I had anxiety issues. He knew some of my triggers but was unaware of some. I gave him a run down of what I needed from him. He at first didn’t get it, he didn’t understand how overwhelmed I was.
The above picture fits in every aspect in life, not just fitness. I have been working on this, its not in total use but I’m working on it. I think it’s important. I have acknowledged that there are MANY aspects of my life that are unhealthy and need changed. My most important goal is getting my anxiety under control and getting mentally right. Let me clarify… I’m not “mental” in the aspect of dangerous to myself or anyone else. I’m just not mentally at my best. My mental state has me borderline depressed, my motivation is lacking. I’m fed up with randomly feeling as if I’m having a heart attack because I hear a certain word, I see a color, or the wind blows the wrong direction.
Taking one day at a time is a HUGE step in our family’s current situation. My husband and I have been working on this together as a team since we are both dealing with exes. We sat down and made a plan of what we hope happens and what we do if it doesn’t work out and left it at that, the rest is in the court’s hands.
Surrounding yourself with positive vibes is not as easy as one thinks. It can be hard to not dwell when things seem impossible. My husband and I set a rule, we can talk about our negative feeling with our cases at anytime and it needs to happen ASAP; anything else politics, anything that doesn’t have a direct impact on us we avoid.
The vision board and SMART goals we will be doing as a family this weekend. I think that it is important that we work on this together and with my anxiety I will not feel as alone in the progress.
Rewarding myself is different from most people. Some take it as a shopping trip or eating a piece of cake. Date night is my reward. Date night again…. not the same as most. Our date night is one night a month kid free, in our home, just chilling. We watch TV, enjoy the quiet, I get a hot bath, hubby makes dinner, concentrate on ourselves.
I do believe in myself. I have shitty days but in the end I know only my reaction matters. I can sulk and hate life or change it my damn self. I’m stronger than what everyone sees. I’m bettter than everything that people think they know.
I see 2017 being a great year. It may not be starting out that way, but we will all come out better and stronger. I will stop digging at myself.
Shower meditation to me is very important! On days that I do not have five seconds to myself except for my shower this is my twenty minutes of sanity. My husband has noticed that I will just out of the blue get up and shower and he has made a habit of asking if I wanted to talk about anything.
If you have anxiety, there is nothing to be ashamed of…….TALK. Don’t hold it in. Let others know what your body is doing. Let them know your triggers and that you may not know all of them. You may not even know why you are anxious, its okay.
Do you have anxiety? What are your triggers? How do you cope?